Ten Jokes / Recent Jokes
P. Harris
Problem Probable Cause Remedy
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Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket
and turn socket on
Not turned on Turned off Turn on.
Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get
a real stereo.
Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.
sound
Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.
Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.
Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place
no aerial record on deck, place
stylus on record.
Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace
with `Hells Bells' by
ACDC set volume to ten,
place stylus on record.
Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and
or learn to say `eh?'
Don't more...
Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes. Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked. I feel terrific. What was it?" The doctor says, "You were homesick."
Czermaine Greer, leader of the feminist movement, called on the law-giver Manu and chastised him for his discriminatory laws against women, "Can you give me one good reason for prescribing that women should walk ten paces behind men?" she demaned.
"Dearest kanya!" replied the sage "at first, women used to walk ahead of their men. Then incidents of bottom pinching became so rampant that I had to make new rules. I prescribed ten paces distance between the two to make women's posteriors beyond the reach of men. I did so not to discriminate against women but to protect them."
Ms. Greer, who had been in Italy before she came to see Manu, complimented Manu for his sagacity.
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say." The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
A Young Man Asked An Old Rich Man How He Made His Money.
The Old Guy Fingered His Worste Wool Vest And Said, "Well, Son, It Was 1932. The Depth Of The Great Depression. I Was Down To My Last Nickel. I Invested That Nickel In An Apple. I Spent The Entire Day Polishing The Apple And, At The End Of The Day, I Sold The Apple For Ten Cents. The Next Morning, I Invested Those Ten Cents In Two Apples. I Spent The Entire Day Polishing Them And Sold Them At 5: 00 Pm For 20 Cents. I Continued This System For A Month, By The End Of Which I'd Accumulated A Fortune Of $1. 37. Then My Wife's Father Died And Left Us Two Million Dollars."
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. Sister: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right... more...