"Words from Women" joke
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
I'm not going to vacuum, 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
I think - therefore I'm single.
- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
- Bella Abzug
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage anda career."
- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem
Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then."
- Katharine Hepburn
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
- Baroness Edith Summerskill
there were three young poly boys on a road trip a samoan a tongan and a maori .. the tongan and maori wer in the back seet while the samoan was driving ..
the samoan lost controll and of the wheel and hit a tree ... all threee polly boys died .. they all got too the gate of more...
If Ida Lupino married George Wendt, then divorced him to marry Ted Danson, divorced him to marry Alan Alda, then divorced him to marry Ted Knight, and divorced him to marry Shelly Long, she'd be Ida Wendt Danson Alda Knight Long.
If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing, more...
Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a leetle lumber from dat new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son"?
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole more...