Top Rated Jokes

A cop pulled a guy over for speeding at which time the following conversation was exchanged:
Cop: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: Sorry, I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Cop: May I see the owner's card for the vehicle?

Driver: It's not my vehicle. I stole it.

Cop: Are you telling me this is a stolen car?

Driver: That's right. Mind you, now that I think of it, I believe I did see the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Cop: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yep. I put it there after I shot and killed the whoman who owns this car. Then I stuffed her in the trunk.

Cop: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

When the cop heard this, he immediately called his captain. Within minutes, the car was surrounded by police and the captain approached the driver so he could handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may more...

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,
using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say:
"Red... cherry,"
"Yellow... lemon,"
"Green... lime,"
"Orange... orange,"
Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:
"Oh, my God! They're assholes!!!

Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. "Yes," God said. "I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?" "Yes," Virgin Mary said. "And remember to call me every night," God said, before Virgin Mary left.
So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "Hello, it

your hairline so far back i thought u went bald in 3rd grade

Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a leetle lumber from dat new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son"?

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm' fraid someone will break dey laig, so I fix de hole. "

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta de wether, so I make him his own leetle doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de wether either, so I make her a two car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little more...

Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"